My 4-Year-Old Took My Phone Away. Here's What I Learned In The Aftermath

The author (left) and a photo of a child holding a phone (right)One Saturday morning before my four-year-old son’s swimming lesson, he grabbed my phone and insisted I leave it in the car. “Last week I floated on my back like a starfish,” he said. “I looked at you but you were playing with your phone.” I’d missed his proud moment, and he’d internalised that hurt for a whole week.Let’s be clear – parents don’t need another guilt trip. I doubt I was “playing” on my smartphone. When kids are safely engaged, that’s our rare chance to get things done, often for their benefit. I bet I was finishing a grocery order or organising a playdate. Or maybe I was watching cute animal reels on Instagram, who knows. Aren’t parents allowed breaks too?But my son was insistent: “No phone!” So, I walked in with my pocket feeling weirdly light. As the class started, I actually watched those small bodies moving through water. I noticed sunlight bouncing off the water, creating beautiful patterns everywhere. How had I not seen this before? I also felt tension in my shoulders which I hadn’t noticed all morning, until now. Not all of it was positive, but I felt more awake. My son waved repeatedly, clearly over the moon to have my eyes on him.After marinating in digital life, ordinary things seem dull and unimportant. Shimmers of light don’t easily compete with the stunning sights and shocking news served up by algorithms. But by removing that competition, by putting the phone away, we start to get curious about what’s right in front of us. The ordinary really can be extraordinary, when we give it our attention.Even knowing this, physically looking up from a phone is harder than it sounds. Smartphones captivate us biologically. Research shows our devices activate the same dopamine pathways as food and exercise. Even when we’re not on our phone, part of our brain is engaged in thinking about it. The result? We check our phones every few minutes of the waking day, without even realising.For parents, it’s never just about us. Every behaviour affects our kids. Studies suggest children interpret a parent’s device use as rejection. When we’re physically present but mentally elsewhere, children’s developing brains register emotional absence. That hits home hard. So here’s my challenge to fellow parents: experiment with leaving your phone behind occasionally. Watch your child without documenting. Embrace playground boredom. Give yourself permission not to be productive or entertained at all times. Your brain – and your children – will experience the difference. You may find the time you spend with your devices feels more meaningful and enjoyable, too.The goal isn’t using our phones less, but using it more intentionally. As AI increasingly makes decisions for us, this purposeful approach to technology becomes harder and more crucial. In my new book Your Best Digital Life, I share a concrete method for designing simple experiments that build awareness and develop new digital habits that work for you. Every person, every situation and every moment is different. Sometimes groceries need ordering. Sometimes the most important notification is your child shouting “Look at me!” while pretending to be a starfish.Menka Sanghvi is a leading expert in mindfulness and digital habits who speaks at organisations worldwide about creating healthier relationships with technology. Her book Your Best Digital Life: Use Your Mind to Tame Your Tech, withco-author Jonathan Garner, offers core principles and a practical method for individuals and organisations seeking to thrive in the digital age. Related...I Kicked My Screen Addiction And Fell Back In Love With Reading – Here's HowEverything We Believe About Kids And Phones Might Be Wrong, Study FindsI Haven't Given My 12-Year-Old A Smartphone. After Reading This I Hope You Won't EitherI Track My Teens' Phones And Discovered Something Unexpected About Myself